MargaretAnn's Place

Children can and do handle death well; sometimes better than the adults around them.
The most important thing that you can do for your child is to answer his or her questions honestly. In the absence of information children will rely on their imagination to help them sort through their feelings. Knowing the truth helps them come to terms with death and the grief that accompanies it.

Use words your child will understand when talking about death. Help him understand that the dead do not breathe, their hearts do not beat, they cannot feel, see or hear. Don't use euphemisms like "he's asleep" as this can be confusing and lead a child to associate sleeping with death.

Be reassuring. Tell your child that his or her feelings did not cause the death. Invite the child to ask questions and be prepared to answer the same questions repeatedly.
Recognize that your child needs time to process the information regarding the death.

Children grieve differently and even the same child will experience different emotions throughout the grieving process. Expect and accept that your child may react in ways that are uncomfortable to you and perhaps unusual for the child.

Anger, curiosity and an apparent lack of feeling are not uncommon reactions to death. This is simply a child's coping mechanism for dealing with the concept of death.

Anticipate that your child may need extra attention and reassurance for a time. Nighttime fears, separation anxiety, temper outbursts, and regression to younger behavior are all common reactions. Reassure your child that you are still family, you will get through this together and there will always be someone to love and care for him or her.

Don't be afraid to maintain appropriate limits and expectations regarding behavior. Your child needs to know that the adults in their lives will continue to help them control their behavior and find more appropriate ways to express their feelings.

I want to be strong for my child. I don't cry and try to hide my emotions. Is this ok?

Protecting a child from pain is a normal inclination for parents. However, it's important for children to understand that grieving the death of a loved one is not only acceptable but is important in the grieving process. Grief is a validation of the love and the loss that a child experiences with the death of a loved one.

By allowing your child to witness your own pain and range of emotions, you are giving permission to the child to grieve. By openly sharing these emotions, your child will come to understand that you too are grieving. This will help your child understand your own change in behavior since the death.

I'm not able to handle things very well since my daughter died? Is it okay that I expect more from my surviving children?

Children need to be children - especially when they are hurting. Never tell a child "you need to take care of your mom or dad (or younger siblings) now". When you force a bereaved child to grow up too soon, you don't allow him the time or space he needs to grieve.

It is important to give the child a choice on how, and if, they want to participate in the funeral. To make this choice, they need to understand what is going to happen, why there is a service and what is expected of them at the service.

Don't be afraid to allow your child to attend the funeral. The sight of death in a funeral home is both reassuring and honest. Allowing children the opportunity to say goodbye to the person who died is an important element in the grieving process. A service enables children to see how valued and important the person was to others and know that grieving a loved one is normal.

Should your child decide not to participate, invite her to create her own commemorative ritual or activity for saying goodbye. These rituals may include planting a flower or tree, holding a candle-lighting ceremony or launching a helium balloon with a message attached.

There is no specific time frame for a child or adult to grieve. The child you love needs time and support to become a person who looks forward to life and love with trust.

Grief doesn't have an ending. It's not something you "get over". When a significant person dies, a vacuum exists in the lives of those left behind. Life is never the same again. As the child develops and reaches pivotal stages in his or her life, that void is always there to remind the child that these life experiences will not be shared with the person who died. This does not mean that life can never be joyful or transformed into a positive experience.

It is normal to experience strong feelings of grief even months after the death has occurred. These episodes can come out of nowhere and appear at a time when you thought your child was beginning to adjust to the changes in his or her life. This so called relapse is known as a grief burst. Grief bursts can be triggered by certain times of the year such as holidays or the anniversary of the death.

It might be helpful to plan ahead to honor your memories on special occasions in a way that is meaningful to both you and your child.

What are some of the symptoms my child may experience going through the grieving process?

A child may experience a wide range of emotions during the grieving process. This may include difficulties with concentration, memory loss, low energy and fatigue. Other behavioral and physical responses to grief include:

These responses to grief are normal and should not cause great concern unless they are extreme. Providing a nurturing surrounding, open communications and reassurance that the adults in your child's life will take care of them is important and will help your child process the death and learn to live with their loss.

It's important to validate your child's experiences and emotions. This validation will help them regain a sense of safety, balance and control.

One of the most helpful and healing things to do for a grieving child is to listen to his or her story, without judging or offering advice. Allow and encourage your child to express feelings through play, art, writing or other expressive means. Such activities can help the child manage overwhelming feelings.

It's natural to want to ease a child's pain, to provide comfort and support in a time of hurting. Sometimes, in our efforts to help, we try to fix things that are un-fixable. When it comes to grief, there are no easy answers, no quick fixes and really no way to "speed up" the grief process. What grieving children need most is a supportive environment that permits them to grieve. It is only through grieving that the healing can begin.

Maintain routines at home and at school. Children are reassured by predictable and familiar activities such as bedtime, chores, homework, etc.

Inform the child's teacher and/or day care provider of the death and its impact on your child. Maintain communication with them so that you can work together to help your child adjust to the loss.

Some of the most ordinary life events can be a grief trigger. Hearing a song or seeing a person who resembles the deceased can bring a flood of emotions to the child who is grieving the death of a loved one. Events like anniversaries or holidays can become very stressful as the child is reminded that these celebrations will not be shared or celebrated in the same way they were prior to the death of their loved one. These celebrations can be difficult for the entire family. Creating a "new normal" for the family is one way of coping with the changes in the family structure. By incorporating rituals that honor the memory of the deceased, a new ritual is created that honors the memory of the person who died.

No. Some children want to talk about the death and others want to be left alone. Some like to stay busy and others withdraw from activities and stay close to home. Younger children may be clingy, while teens may become distant, relying on their friends for support. Recognizing and respecting that each child grieves in his or her own way is essential to the healing process for a family.

Factors that influence how a child grieves include the child's developmental age and maturity, the type of loss and their previous experiences with death. Other factors include a child's place in the family, the availability of parents and other caring adults for physical and emotional care, and how much the loss affects his or her safety, routines and sense of belonging to the world.

Communicate and offer reassurance to your child that he should not be afraid of his feelings and emotions. He or she needs to understand that grief is a natural expression of love for the person who died.

Is it possible for my three-year old child to even know what happened or be affected by the death of his brother?

It is said that if a child is old enough to feel love, he or she is old enough to feel the loss. Children grieve developmentally. As cognitive skills develop and mature, your child will continue to grieve with these new skills. Holidays, anniversaries and special events such as graduations, team events, plays, etc. will be a constant reminder of the loss of a loved one in their life.

Death is a normal occurrence in the chain of life. Your children will not be ruined, but they will be affected. As long as they are nurtured, supported and given the opportunity to express their feelings, they will integrate the death into their life experiences.

Having a role in the memorial service is an important first step for your child to begin the grieving process. There are a number of ways your child can participate in the service. He can help arrange the flowers or assist with the food preparation and service. He can help pick out a favorite song, assemble a photo collage or write a poem for the memorial.

If your child is shy or wants to do something privately, he or she can write a letter to the deceased and place it in the casket.

Taking part in even some of the rituals helps a child understand what is happening and helps him feel less alone.

My child doesn't seem to be grieving and I haven't seen her cry. How can I help?

It's important to understand that grieving does not mean crying. Not all grief is displayed in sorrow and tears. Children will oftentimes hide their emotions from their parent in an effort to protect them. Even when a parent attempts to keep their feelings hidden, a child can sense the sorrow and change in their parents behavior.

Provide a safe atmosphere where it's okay to share feelings. Allow your child to grieve and express herself in her own unique way provided she does it in a manner that is not destructive or unsafe. Remove your own expectations from the grieving process and remember that we all have unique ways of expressing ourselves.

Teach your child by example. Allow your child to witness your own feelings and emotions toward death. Letting a child know it's okay to cry may provide the permission a child needs to share her feelings openly.

Most children work through their grief through play. Finding ways to incorporate memories while engaged in routine tasks is one way of providing a safe way to talk about death. Talk about the person who died, using his or her name and sharing memories. When a favorite song comes on the radio or when passing by the deceased's favorite restaurant, be sure to share these memories with your child. This allows a child to participate in a more spontaneous way. If you push, pressure, manipulate, or try to force your child to talk, you will probably push him or her further away.

The following activities are suggestions for helping a child who is finding it difficult to talk about the death of a loved one:

My child's grades are slipping - how can I get him to focus on his schoolwork?

During initial stages of grief, many children have difficulty listening, sitting still and concentrating. This is normal. Talk to your child's teacher and explain that there has been a death in the family. Perhaps the Teacher can ease up on homework or make assignments more relevant to the childs current experience such as writing a biography of the person who died or a health assignment about the disease if the deceased was sick.

If the child has a close friend in the classroom he or she may be able to provide assistance and help your child focus on the activities at hand. Children thrive in a supportive environment that acknowledges the death and gives them options around processing their grief.

My child seems overprotective of me and won't let me out of his sight. What can I do?

It is not uncommon for children to be worried about others dying when a parent or sibling has died. It is important for your child to feel secure. Keep in contact with your child. Let him know where you are, what your plans are, and when you intend to return when leaving the home. Check in frequently. Provide hugs and assurances that you will stay in touch. Let him know he can call if he needs to check in. Be careful not to say that nothing will happen to you; you can't ensure this.

Many children experience eating difficulties during their grief process. Some have no interest in food while others turn to food for comfort. If your child is not eating, offer small amounts of food frequently rather than three large meals. Let your child help with planning menus to encourage eating. If overeating, make sure to have quick, healthy foods available.

During the grieving process, a family may lose focus on scheduled meals and rely on high fat fast food. Although it may be difficult to prepare or ensure nutritious meals, especially if you have your own eating difficulties, make the effort to do so for your child.

Grieving takes a long time. The child will never stop missing the person who died If the child is allowed to grieve and express feelings his pain will slowly decrease.

Remember that daily life offers many pitfalls for a child. New friends may be very inquisitive about the family or insensitive about the death - especially if they have no real experience to draw from. These discussions can be painful to the child who is grieving the death of a loved one.

Birthdays and other significant events in their life will be a constant reminder that these events will not be shared with the person who died. The day can be overshadowed by the pain associated with the loss and can add further pressure to a child who is trying to experience a normal life. The grieving child needs to understand that these feelings are normal and that he can live a joyous life and celebrate these milestones in his life. By incorporating rituals that honor the life and death of the loved one, a child can find ways to keep the memories of their loved one alive.

MargaretAnn's Place
Wisconsin's Center of Hope for Grieving Children

Mailing Address: 2522 63rd Street, Kenosha, WI 53143
(262) 656-9656 or Toll Free (866) 455-HOPE (4673)
E-mail: hope@margaretannsplace.org

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